It Might Not Be A Good Day, But Have A Day

When suffering with depression getting through the day feels like running a marathon, it’s draining. You feel physically exhausted, let alone the mental battle you go through, the guilt of feeling like you’re just lazy, the feelings of wanting to totally give up, I could go on. If you’ve  made it through another day suffering with depression, OCD, anxiety or any mental illness, give yourself a pat on the back. Stop being so hard on yourself for not having the most productive day that you feel you SHOULD have had or everyone else is having or asking of you . Even if you’re not suffering with depression and you’re simply having an awful day,, where events have happened so you feel upset and unable to take on the day, this still applies to you.

You might have days where you feel better  and that’s amazing treasure those, but don’t let the bad days take those away from you. I love this quote so much at the start of my mental health journey the good days were few, and I was always being told by people ‘do this and do that, it will help you get better, it will be a positive thing’. When you have depression the simplest thing to a healthy happy person seem like such massive task. So as the quote says I won’t tell you to have a good day but please look after yourself as best as you can.

The first thing I’d say is,  if you think you or someone else is suffering with depression then get them or yourself help, that’s the biggest step to getting better. You need to find someone to speak to and someone who can advise you on the best ways to help yourself get better whether that’s medication, therapy,  or both. If you don’t think you have depression and you’re just feeling down because of a negative event, or your just not feeling yourself, make sure you find someone to talk to aswell, venting and getting advice of a loved ones is always a good idea.

Now you’ve done that the next most important thing is to feed and water yourself as obvious as that sounds. As I said above the simplest of things can become a huge effort when your suffering with a mental illness and some people neglect themselves of the most basic things. Your body needs food and plenty of water, so if there’s one thing I insist you do it’s that. I’m not asking you to be a chef and cook up amazing nutritious meals (although nutritious food is known to help a blue mood)  but you need to eat and drink whether you feel like it or not.

So you’ve gotten help, you know there’s a problem and you’ve acknowledge that, that’s a big step. You’re feeding yourself because that’s a basic human need whether you’re suffering or not, that’s another step, even if these are your first achievements you feel able to do currently then that’s great. No matter how small the steps or achievements they are still positive and thats all that matters. If you’ve done those above things the next thing to try to do is clean yourself,  I’d recommend running a hot bubble bath that you can just lay in and get clean then put some clean comfy clothes on, you’ll feel so much better for it once it’s done. It’s another positive basic human need to achieve when having ‘your day’. The final thing on your list of goals for the day is to survive and not give up. Keep fighting through those awful days like I did, it can get better.

“It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop – Confucius”

If you have a day where you get up shower, eat, go to therapy, go to work and get something productive done then amazing be really proud. If the next day all you do is feed yourself  because you’re having a bad day and your mental health is bad then that’s fine to, your mental health comes first, never beat yourself up for this. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed or taken a step back it means your surviving you’re doing what you have to, to get through the days. Recovery and getting better is not plain sailing, for a long time It felt as if I would never get better, and then just when I thought things seemed to be looking positive the next day it would all come crumbling down. Please don’t see this as failing everyday is a building block to recovery good or bad. I’m not saying settle for a life of doing the bare minimum always, I’m saying be proud of the little things you achieve when your suffering, that its ok and you don’t need to beat yourself up, but of course always strive to get better and don’t give up.  For some people with mild depression they may be able to function almost normally, for others it will feel almost impossible, everyone is different and it’s important not to make yourself feel bad for how you’re coping.

Please check out my other mental health blog posts for more self-help and information.

Need someone to talk to? Look in the contact me section, I’m all ears.

Hang in there,

Anna-Marie

♥

A Letter To Yourself For When You’re Struggling

A while ago now I wrote a blog post on if I could write a letter to my younger self what I would tell young me from what I’ve experienced so far, you can read that HERE. It lead me to this similar idea that may be helpful for when you struggling. You can write a letter when you’re happy for when you are next down in the dumps e.g depressions getting you down, anxiety bad or OCD is being a pain, whatever the reason as a reminder that these feelings can pass and it’s not as bad as it feels right now, to give you hope when you’re lacking it. Little tips of things you’ve learnt/ know how to deal with but in that moment find hard to remember and turn to.

Dear Me,

I take it you’re having a tough time as you’re reading this letter. As you are writing this you are feeling quite positive, you’re OCD isn’t that bad and you have been dealing with it really well. You’ve been succeeding in not seeking reassurance so much and that’s a really big step for you. I know you’re probably feeling like crap but what you’re feeling will pass. I mean those feelings aren’t that bad for you right now as you type this which means they can pass again. Remember everything you learnt at therapy and remember no matter how scary OCD is being, it’s just the disorder and you know how to beat it.

♥ Remember anxiety and panic can’t hurt you, it feels awful but it’s just a chemical reaction in your body. Try to stay calm and If you can’t it will pass, you’re not losing control, your panicking.

♥ Remember Anna ‘the more you think, the deeper you sink’ – Sharon Davies from The OCD Treatment Centre. You can ruminate about that scary, uncomfortable OCD thought you just had but you’re only going to make yourself feel worse, feed OCD and never come to an answer on whether that’s your true self speaking or if it was just a random OCD thought. You cannot think yourself into inner peace, inner peace comes through living in the moment.

♥Remember to practice Mindfulness, to calm you down when the anxiety is too much.

♥Remember there is no such thing as the thought police, there is nothing wrong with the thoughts themselves, it’s the belief you have attached to the thoughts. E.g certain thoughts mean you’re a bad person, if you don’t do such and such something bad will happen.

♥ Any compulsion you feel compelled to do relating to your OCD’s topic, ignore, it WILL be OCD. No what if’s, buts or maybe’s it will be. Any thought that makes you feel anxious relating to your OCD topic, will also be OCD, no ‘what if this time it isn’t OCD’ that is OCD speaking. A thought, followed by anxiety, followed by feeling the need to do something a certain way, seek reassurance or ruminate WILL be OCD.

Remember everything you’ve been taught and try to teach everyone else,  you can get through this.

Love from,

Positive and  currently at peace, You.

♥

A Poem: OCD Doesn’t Define Me

I found a poem on Tumblr that I really liked and wanted to do my own version of. Mine will be nowhere near as good but It gave me the inspiration I needed. My poem is basically about not letting a mental illness, in my case OCD, define me. It’s easy to forget all the little details about yourself when your day-to-day life becomes filled with OCD and it’s symptoms. It’s important to remember who you are and the fact that although your mental illness has become a huge part of your life there is so many other things about you. I hope you like it.

The Tumblr poem..

My poem…

OCD Doesn’t Define Me..

I am my big blue eyes,

The music that makes me inspired,

The way I get too attached to people too easily,

I am who I am when I’m truly comfortable around you,

When my personality shines through.

I am my love for animals,

I am the way my dog lights up my eyes,

The way I sometimes talk too loud,

I am what makes me tick and laugh,

I am the perfume I wear.

I am the DVDS that I own and want to see,

I am my childhood photographs and memories,

The way I crave all things sugary,

I am the ornaments and trinkets I keep in my bedroom,

I am my tiny hands and feet.

I am my sense of humour,

The way I smile and the facial expressions I pull,

The way I walk, talk, sleep and breath,

I am the way I like to take long baths,

I am my style and the way I do my make up.

The jewellery I wear, how I style my hair,

I am my likes and dislikes,

The way I hate leaving an argument on bad terms,

I am how much my family mean to me,

I am the way I draw and the way I write my name.

The shape and colour of my lips,

I am my quirks and habits,

I am my clumsy nature,

I am my creative brain,

The way change frightens me.

I am diagnosed with OCD,

But there is more to me,

I won’t forget all the other details,

OCD doesn’t define me.

 

My Other Poems

A Poem Little Poem About OCD

A Poem: If OCD Had Its Own Identity

Anna

♥

OCD .Vs. Being A Perfectionist: What Is The Difference?

A while back now I wrote a blog post called ‘The Many Misconceptions Of OCD’ which you can read HERE. I wanted to do a follow-up post about this as It’s a  topic most people with OCD will relate to and I think its important to spread awareness about. I often see people saying ‘I’m a bit of perfectionist when it comes to such and such’ followed by then saying they are quite OCD. Another thing that is very common is when you tell people ‘I have OCD’, they don’t take it very seriously, I’ve had people say ‘I think everyone is a bit OCD to a degree, I am about such and such’ And although it’s not their fault they don’t understand it’s still annoying to hear when you have suffered with years of being in the grips of this terrible disease. So what is the different between OCD and being someone who’s particular about the way they do something, or a perfectionist or very organised person?

 

Perfectionist/Being Particular Examples

♥  When someone finishes tasks to a very high standard because they like to do so or like to achieve the best results they possibly can or they will feel agitated with themselves.

♥ Liking things straight because you find it irritating if things aren’t.

♥ Organising clothes in colour order or in a certain order because you like how it looks/makes you feel.

♥ Wanting to clean the bathroom daily, because you like it being clean. but if it HAS to be left you can leave it without much discomfort or distress e.g late for something important, so you leave the cleaning!

♥ Your need for doing things in a particular way isn’t a must its a want to do so, and doesn’t affect your quality of living and interfere with your day-to-day life.

 

The Same Examples In Someone With OCD

♥ Having to finish tasks until they ‘feel right’ because something terrible will happen if you don’t. Making you very anxious, frightened and most importantly you feel like you HAVE to, not want to.

♥ Having to immediately straighten wonky things, because it causes a great deal of anxiety if you don’t, it doesn’t ‘feel right’ like that. If you leave it like that something terrible might happen!

♥ Organising clothes in colour order or in a certain order because you feel like you HAVE to or that dread that something bad might happen and anxiety will not go!

♥ Having to clean the bathroom daily, because if you don’t you and your family could get ill and the contamination could spread to the rest of the house etc. It cannot wait for anyone or anything, it must be done before I do anything else or you will become extremely anxious! Cleaning the bathroom is no longer a want or should, its a HAVE to or else.

♥ You have to do compulsions and certain things in a certain way or something terrible could happen. This must to do things exactly as your OCD wants is effecting your quality of life and interfering with your day-to-day life and your general happiness.

 

As you can see OCD is based around feeling like your keeping you and someone else safe from something you consider bad and makes you incredibly anxious. It’s not a want it’s a NEED to do these things.These are just a few of the examples I could think of, there are so many symptoms and different forms of OCD. You can learn more about OCD and get more tips on how to deal with your own OCD in the ‘OCD, Anxiety & Depression’ category HERE, where you can see all the other posts related to this topic. Like I said in the related post I wrote a while ago, this isn’t people like me with OCD being bitter about having OCD, taking life too seriously or not being able to have a laugh about it. It’s about the illness not being taken seriously and knowing how it can affect us and others suffering with it. It’s about spreading awareness, so people understand these things and don’t misuse a serious illness as a word for an everyday quirk or habit.

Thank you for reading, sharing, commenting or liking my blog post, it means an awful lot to me!

Anna

♥

 

 

A Letter To My Younger Self

I’ve seen videos relating to this on YouTube, so I thought I would write a blog post about it. I’m basically going to write a mini letter as if I was writing it to my younger self. Things I wish future me could tell young me and things I wish I knew back then.

What would you of told your younger self?

Dear younger self,

Where do I start? There is a few things I would like to tell you and reassure you about before things spiral out of control for you. I know your worried about germs and washing your hands and always have been growing up, but I just want to tell you to not let this worry rule your life. Being sick isn’t very nice but honestly the next time you are it will expose you to this fear and you will be fine I promise you. I also want to warn you that later on you might notice weird feelings of NEEDING to do certain tasks, you will feel like this will stop you from being sick and also stop bad things from happening. When this happens I need you to stay strong and not give in. Carrying out tasks until they feel right and counting things etc won’t help. In fact you will thank me later if you don’t do the things. What you do can’t control if your ill or if something bad happens, trust me. You will go through 5 years of hell trying to beat OCD if you let it in, you’ve got to get control of it before it controls you. Try and get help as soon as you notice symptoms, educate yourself so you know about it. I know it feels really scary but you can do it.  If  OCD does take over your life for a while you will be ok and you will come out the other side, so hang in there please. Another thing that is going to really bother you when your older is your weight and eating habits. Please listen to people when they tell you not to over eat, this will become a huge problem for you and your confidence one day. Try to keep a healthy relationship with food, this will save so much time later on when you have to try to lose the weight to become confident again.

Another thing is, don’t grow up too quickly, your only young once and being grown up isn’t as fun as it sounds. Enjoy being young and don’t take school for granted, some of your fondest memories will be from within that school building you wish you didn’t go to. Which leads me to another thing, I know your naughty at school but try harder to behave. It doesn’t seem important but eventually you will end up on a 3 hour time-table barely seeing anyone, doesn’t seem like a bad thing? well you will drift apart from your friends and leave school feeling slightly out of the loop with people who you were once close with, leaving you feeling slightly alone.  When you first start going to party’s and drinking, try not to drink so much, I promise you will only wake up with regret and guilt, although you can learn from these mistakes just go easy!

Back to some things related to anxiety. I know you probably have already, but you  will have many more times to come where you feel scared of doing things. Scared that your going to embarrass yourself, please try to realise that you will miss out on things if you let the fear stop you. Try and face up to things that make you scared and try not to let the fear of what others think of you stop you. The more you do this now,  the more later on in life you will be likely to do things! Also, growing up doesn’t have to be so scary, talk to people around you about your worries but also talk about your normal problems and concerns everyone goes through growing up. You will grow to be able to talk about your problems openly and I promise you will wish you hadn’t been so embarrassed and shy about everything. Your parents will become your biggest support through any problems regarding your anxiety. You will be able to talk to them about anything you need to, so why not start now?

I just want to tell you everything is going to be ok, but to also tell you that things should be a lot easier now you know the things I’ve mentioned above. Keep being wonderfully weird, funny and creative. Last but not least don’t let OCD rule you, I know its scary but its harmless, so don’t even give it the time of day. The sooner you realise that the better.

Love from, an older, wiser version of you

♥

 

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care

Something I’ve struggled with for a long time now and still do is letting go of scary OCD thoughts. I feel like if I just let go of OCD thoughts or rituals where I worry something bad could happen, it must mean I don’t care about the consequences or if I can let them go easily it must also mean I don’t care. I am starting to accept and learn that this is not the case and you have to give yourself permission to let go of things, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. Easier said than done right?  When your emotions are telling you letting go of certain thoughts and worries is bad and if you let go you’re a terrible person it’s really hard not to listen. I know OCD will try to do anything to try to keep me sucked in by it, because that’s what OCD does it wants to control people. Which is exactly what it’s doing by making me think if I let go and don’t perform a ritual that I don’t care and also that something bad might happen.

The reality is as soon as you get that thought ‘If you don’t do such and such something bad could happen’ and you then feel anxious or worry about not performing the ritual, that is the sign you do care. The fact you’re worried about letting go of that OCD thought or ritual, means you care if you didn’t you wouldn’t be thinking about it or worrying about it. You don’t need to carry on thinking about the subject or perform a ritual to know you care. You need to allow yourself to let go and become free because you deserve it. You can acknowledge the fact you’re feeling anxious about not performing a ritual or feeling anxious about not trying to work out what that bad thought you just had meant about you and accept that is you caring.  You don’t need to torture yourself any more than that, you’re  allowed to move on, you just need to let yourself.  Thinking about things more and more or performing rituals is keeping you stuck in the place you are right now, stuck being controlled by a pest called OCD in your head. One of the steps to freedom is to know if you’re worried or upset about letting go you care, but you don’t need to hold on to things or perform rituals. Allow yourself to fear letting go and allow yourself to recognise you care. Then let go because you don’t need to be afraid you don’t care because you have proved to yourself  you do.

Stay Strong,

Anna

♥

A Poem: If OCD Had Its Own Identity

 

 Just another little poem I wrote about OCD. Hope some of you guys can relate to it and understand it from an OCD sufferers point of view. I wanted to think of what OCD would be like if it was a person or had an identity rather just a name of a mental illness. Like I said in my last poem post, I’m not a pro poet. I’m never sure what exactly makes a poem a poem. A lot of people say its different to everyone, different words and poems speak and mean different things to different people. So I hope you like it and let me know in the comments what you think!

 

Evil eyes that look straight through you,

The feeling it knows you, oh so well.

It knows your fears and it uses them against you,

Stripping you of confidence with each tear.

Powerful and stocky build, looking down upon you.

 

Enticing voice to make you believe it’s all for your own good,

Power craving attitude, wearing an intimidating hood.

A bully who persuades you he’s keeping you and your family safe,

You’re the puppet and its the puppeteer.

Dark sunken features and grey gloomy aura.

 

There’s no point in running, it can run faster,

The stories it tells are nothing but nightmares.

Injecting your veins with fear,

Faster than anything that can be explained.

Throwing its toys out the pram when it doesn’t get its own way.

 

Feeds of your thoughts and handcuffs you to a chamber within your brain,

Like an unwanted companion, a stalker that sucks out your strength.

Grabbing your attention like a whiny child,

Deep down it’s as insecure as you, if not more.

Manipulating you to make itself feel mighty.

 

Look a bit closer the hard exterior gets weaker,

Stocky build no more, When you close it’s door.

Its bark worse than its bite.

Remove its ugly disguise,

See what reality in fact lies beneath.

 

A evil but cowardly and feeble beast.

That’s got nothing on you.

 

Other poem I wrote

A Little Poem About OCD

 

Anna

♥

 

Tell OCD It’s Boring

This quote is perfect for anyone suffering with OCD. As I’ve said before a lot people like me who suffer with OCD struggle with thoughts, feelings and images that scare us and cause us great distress. We fear OCD and its out comes of not doing as it says e.g ‘touch this or something bad will happen’ ‘avoid this situation because it makes you think of something that makes you anxious’ whatever it maybe. Everyone with OCD feels restricted and like a slave to OCD and are brains become scary places. If you think of OCD as a person it would be a selfish, manipulating and scary person who craves power. If you don’t give OCD the power it wants over you, you then become the powerful one. Without our attention OCD can’t exist, as soon as we pay attention to that scary, anxiety provoking feeling, thought or image we are giving OCD the power to control us. Of course it’s not as a simple as just ignoring OCD because if it was that simple, we would all beat it. It’s about learning to laugh at the thoughts you fear, telling OCD you’ve heard it all before and its getting boring now its no longer frightening. Trick that little OCD part of your brain into thinking you’re not scared anymore. The more we learn to laugh and not take our thoughts seriously the easier it becomes to disarm OCD. How can it get to you if you’re not scared? it can’t, OCD needs your fear to feed off and suck you in deeper. To anyone fighting with your OCD right now, take it face on and tell OCD its boring and you’re not listening, you can do it, it takes practice and trust within yourself.

If any of you have any OCD blog post requests please let me know in the comments or head on over to my tumblr and leave me a message in my ask box. I am always in the need of suggestions and I want to know what you guys need help with or want to learn about etc. If you also have any questions for me, feel free to ask!

Links & Related Posts

My Tumblr Ask Box

OCD – Your Thoughts Are Not The Problem, Your Beliefs About Your Thoughts Are.

Fearing Fear

My Experiences With Treatment For OCD

I want to start this post by saying this blog post talking about my experiences with CBT is to share with people who might of had the same experiences as me. This is not to put anyone off seeking help, because you need help and treatment to learn how to cope with severe OCD.

Grab yourself a tea or coffee its going to be a long one.

Are you sitting comfortably? then I will begin (haha)…

So lets start from the beginning which was my first experience under CAHMS the mental health team. I was diagnosed with OCD and started going to CBT for my fear of sick and the rituals that went along side that. I didn’t really get on with the therapist that I was working with I found them very emotionless for someone treating people with mental illness. I didn’t find them very motivating or caring and I think its important you feel cared about and trust the person who’s treating you with CBT. As OCD makes us feel so scared about our thoughts, feelings and not performing rituals, its important we trust the individual enough to not engage in OCD. I went there once a week and if anything it was more like a counselling session, where I would talk about everything that had gone on and what I was struggling with. When I was assigned tasks to complete at home such as ‘write down your thoughts before performing a ritual’ or ‘keep a diary of your rituals’ I found it too hard. I didn’t really understand how it would help and I had so many rituals and thoughts I didn’t see how it was possible to write them down. Baring in mind I was about 14-15 at the time, I thought I understood OCD but I didn’t at all. I needed someone to explain it to me, to motivate me and explain clearly what they wanted me to do and why. It was getting harder to fill the hour session we had together up, I felt like I just sat talking. Which maybe I had the wrong idea of therapy, but I would have liked the therapist to tell me how therapy works, guide me and correct me. So long story short eventually the therapy stopped and I felt no better of. I discussed with my mum and the psychologist that I didn’t feel like the therapist was right for me and my personality which is bubbly and chatty.

From the age I stopped therapy about 14-15 I didn’t have CBT again until I was 17. To fill in the gaps, I still suffered with my OCD and went on to Setraline tablets to help with this which I didn’t stay on for very long. I’m not sure why or how but over time my OCD which related to sick seemed to calm down. I feel like one of the main reasons I got over this fear was from facing it by being sick in front of people I wasn’t that familiar with in a car. Although it was an awful experience I do think this aided in this particular fear being less prominent in my life. OCD tends to merge and latch on to new fears and the next  was being a bad person, a psychopath and worrying I would do ‘bad things’ or ‘psychopathic things’. My first experiences with this new to me form of OCD was probably to date the worst experience of my life. I was desperate to get help and understand what was happening to me, so I went for another round of CBT with a different therapist. This time, was more positive, I really liked the therapist and found them easy to get on with and less dull to be around. I found this round of CBT a little more effective although not greatly. I’m not sure if I just didn’t engage in it effectively or what. I found it mostly useful to talk about my thoughts and feelings and learning that they are more normal than I think. We also done other exercises such as writing a list of good things I had done in the past week and the bad, to show I do good things all the time which means I am not a psychopath. This was helpful and reassuring for me. Which I think is the problem, I felt reassured to have someone to tell all my thoughts and fears to,  for them to then respond and tell me that’s OCD, it was like a form of reassuring me because I doubted I had OCD. I don’t think I believed the treatment would work and I don’t think I trusted the therapy enough to not partake in rituals and to not listen to OCD. Once dealing and getting used to what I was experiencing with this form of OCD, I guess things were a bit better but not manageable.

Skipping a few years to the age of 19. I still had my fear, but this time it wasn’t just the thoughts and feelings that bothered me it was the rituals. I didn’t do rituals myself, I would ask people to do everything for me which in itself was a ritual. Everything I done I felt anxious about like if I didn’t do it ‘Something bad would happen’ or ‘I would be a psychopath’ you can read more about my OCD in my ‘OCD Story’ blog post which you can find HERE. Remember people with OCD do know that what they do has no effect on what happens, the OCD just makes us feel like it does and so does the anxiety and doubt. This was my first ever CBT treatment with in the Adult mental health team, so I was a little more optimistic that they may take me more seriously and work with me a bit better. This time I loved the therapist I had, I felt comfortable around them and like we were on the same wave length. Being older I expressed my concerns that I didn’t want to just sit around and talk about it, I needed her to guide me and tell me if I’m talking to much. I trusted them and felt like they actually cared and understood what I was experiencing. Although I still struggled to partake in  exposure exercises. Which involved not asking someone to do something for me or not taking things I felt anxious about back to the shop, or  to not confess and seek reassurance about things I had thought or done. At this point I felt reassured that I had someone to discuss all my latest thoughts and worries with, but again I feel like I used it as a part of my OCD to seek reassurance. My compulsions were still bad and my life felt out of control and everyone around me were also feeling as much despair as I was.

I watched the Extreme OCD Camp on TV (BBC3) and couldn’t help but wish there  was somewhere around here that done treatment like they did. My mum done some research about places around here, where you could pay for treatment specialising in OCD as we were all at a loss of what to do with me next, I’d had enough of living like this. She came across ‘The OCD treatment Centre’ which was based in Taunton but had a variety of therapy packages available, where they also will travel to you. I wasn’t keen on the idea of doing group therapy or travelling up there the way I was feeling. It was expensive but my family said if it would help me they would pay for it (which I am very lucky and grateful for). We got in contact with Sharon who runs the OCD treatment centre, I spoke to Sharon via phone before making my decision to take the plunge. I felt like she really knew what to say to me as she had experienced OCD for herself and also dealt with her son’s OCD. Skipping a head of time a bit, me and my mum made our way to Taunton to stay in a hotel for 5 days, for me to receive treatment. I was so scared. During my 5 days of treatment Sharon taught me about my brain and about my OCD. I thought I already knew everything there was to know about my OCD but I was very wrong. I learnt so much that I felt like I was finally coming to terms with having OCD, I always knew I was diagnosed but I don’t think I really believed I had it due to the doubt I experienced from OCD itself. The environment was relaxed, I got to sit on comfy sofas and sip on cups of tea. After 2 or 3 days of learning about my OCD I felt ready to fight it, It was a combination of  being sick of living the way I was and what I had been taught and trusted. I knew this was my opportunity to make the most of the money my family had paid and I felt like it was my last hope.

We went out in to the town in Taunton, where I done some exposure work and learned even more about myself and my fears. I had to do silly things in public, to open myself up to not caring what people thought of me etc. We also went out about and exposed me to my particular fear and tested out my theory that I might be a psychopath. Sharon would say ‘You see these two ladies walking towards us, if you’re a psychopath don’t move out the way, bang in to them if they don’t move because you’re a psychopath and don’t care about other people’ of course I moved straight out the way. All these little things helped me believe I had OCD. By the end of the week I had stopped asking my mum to do anything for me, I still wanted to occasionally but knowing I had 24 hour care and I could just call Sharon if I was having a OCD meltdown, or talk to her and work on the problem the next day was comforting. I enjoyed the therapy and my mum also did, she learned lots about OCD and how to help me, it was also a lovely week for me and my mum to spend time together and experience a new place. I feel like this treatment was the one for me. I felt like I had taken so much away from the week and I finally felt like this could be a turning point in my life. I was scared about going home but excited to tell everyone what I had learned and put it into practice. Months on now, I still struggle with trusting I have OCD and believing I am not in fact a psychopath because of things I think and feel. But I am in a much better place than I ever have been. I feel like I have OCD but OCD no longer has me. I have more control now. I have struggled with reassurance seeking from Sharon via text and emails but I am continuing on working on that and I am doing pretty well at the moment. Having follow-up sessions with Sharon has also been a massive help, being able to recap and reinforce what I have been taught.

This is just my experiences with therapy, don’t let what I have said about CBT put you off. You need to seek help to get better, it’s very hard to do it on your own. Some people have amazing experience with certain therapies others don’t  It just depends on YOU, and you won’t know until you try. I think it also depends on whether you’re ready to get better, sounds weird as you hate your mental illness and would do anything to get better. But when you’re so afraid of not engaging in OCD behaviours and have so much doubt its hard. You can also become stuck in a rut and not being the way you are seems slightly alien to you now.  When you’re ready and I mean truly ready to commit and trust in the therapy you’re receiving that’s when you can start recovering. Don’t give up if one therapy or therapist doesn’t suit you, keep trying. Look at me its taken ages and I’ve only just realised that I wasn’t trying enough, I didn’t understand my mental illness as much as I thought, but now I do, I am feeling the most positive I have done ever. I feel like I now have the tools and motivation to truly put what I have learnt into practice. I hope some of you relate to my experiences and find them useful! I also hope you’re still awake after all that reading!

Links

http://ocdtreatmentcentre.com/

http://www.ocduk.org/ocd-treatments

Stay Strong,

Anna

♥

A Little Poem About OCD

 

 

Late last night I decided I wanted to try my hand at a bit of poetry, about OCD! I’m a little nervous about posting this as I am no poet and I’m not even sure if its any good. Even so, I hope you guys like it. Feel free to let me know what you think!

 

Stop thinking about that.

Just stop.

Why do I think these things?

And what do they mean?

I wish it would all stop.

 

Touch this, avoid that, count and tap.

To stop thinking about that.

But this is silly, I say.

OCD always gets it’s own way.

I wish it would all stop.

 

Don’t do that its a trap.

Think of your family and something bad.

Now do what I say, you must obey.

What if OCD is right? What if?

I wish it would all stop.

 

Anxiety takes over my body.

Germs everywhere, that’s all I can see.

I’m responsible for everything, its all down to me.

My body weighed down with all kinds of un-certainty.

I wish it would all stop.

 

Reassure me, just to sooth my OCD.

Is everything ok? Please let me know.

Before my anxious symptoms begin to show.

Ruminate over that frightening thought.

I wish it would all stop.

 

To break free from the chains of OCD,

You must learn to live with fear.

We are strong and our minds can once again be clear

I have OCD but OCD does not have me

I can make it all stop.

 

By Anna-Marie

♥